Saturday, 19 July 2008

• Heartbreaker.

  This was from a while back. Back in May. I just felt the need to post it. As some sort of reminder.

  "He's a heartbreaker," she said. "I don't think he means it intentionally."
  I wished he didnt. I wish he never had, whether he meant to or not.
  I hate how I've let somone get to me so much, its horrible. How I've let someone get under my skin and bother me this much. I hate how I feel; frequently always so sad, and feeling like if I had just been thrown to the side. I wish I could be everything he ever wanted. But I suppose I'm not, and somehow, I would have to deal with that, no matter how sad it leaves me, or the hideous pain it leaves behind.
  I cant describe everything that has gone through my mind, so many things I think I didn't do right, and some things I shouldve done. I wish I hadnt been such a boring person, maybe then I wouldnt have driven him away. Maybe I acted too childish in some ways and I wasnt a more serious person; too carefree. Very much, I'm a serious person, I just never was that way around him. Or maybe what drove him away was what I'm doing now, badmouthing myself. I didn't think I did it so much, but perhaps I did. Maybe he got tired of it. Maybe he didn't want to deal with me anymore. I guess I wouldnt want to deal with me, either. I wish I couldve been better. A more wonderful person. Someone who is able to bring people into her life, and keep them here; to make them want to stay. But I cant, and thats a quality I envy in most people.
  He gets me so happy when I see him or get to talk to him. I hate how things are now, I don't get to see him everyday, not like I used to.  I don't even get to talk to him all the time anymore, either. What I hate the most is how he seems like the kind of person that once he's done with you, he's done with you, and thats the end of it. It hurts alot, and I cant stand to think about something like that, no matter how true it might be.
  At first, everything was so overwhelming. Everything was just so wrong. I had never experienced a time like it in so long, it hurt so much. Clarice was gone. I wasnt doing well in school. I might have to go to court, for truancy; I just couldnt handle bieng at school - sometimes too many people just felt like too much to handle sometimes, and were uncomfortable. I was sick at the time, had the biggest headaches, and couldnt even breathe. We had TAKS testing that same week. Candy had gone missing, and I missed her alot. With Clarice, the thoughts came that there was a possibility I would never see her again, and we would drift apart. The next day, he was finally gone too, and he was the only thing that made everything okay, that made everything bearable. I cant explain it, and dont want to, how horrible it felt now that he was gone. 
  Before he left, I could feel that we were so far away from each other. I knew he was getting tired of me. I felt so... unimportant, and brushed aside. He had better things to do, or things that he wanted to do that were more fun than dealing with me, I felt. For the first days after he was gone, there wasnt an hour that went by that I wouldnt think about him. All the pain I tried to hold back. All the time that I tried to keep from falling apart in public. Seeing him didnt make things better. If anything, I began to shake, and I frequently felt like my heart had jumped up into my throat. I wondered how I had fallen so far from the person I used to be, where I wouldnt let myself get attached to anyone, and it was better that way. I had been happy, even though I had been completely ignorant to how truly sad I really was. I've changed since then, and can't stand bieng alone, without my close friends, most of which are gone now, and the few that remain I hold dear to me. I cant decide which is worse, how I feel now because I've lost something, or then because I didnt have anything at all.
  He didnt have to leave. Not for his reasons, not really, is what I think. I guess if he really did feel for me the way he said he did, he would have stayed. But I suppose I didnt captivate him that strongly. I certainly must have not been a priority for him. Just an option. I didn't want to let him go. I truly didnt. But if anything, the last thing I would want was for him to be with me out of pity, which would have hurt more than anything, and at the same time would make him unhappy. If he didnt want to be with me, I had to deal with that, much to my dismay. I don't blame him for anything. Feelings change. Feelings arent always what they used to be, how they used to feel for someone. Its just what happens, and nothing can stop that. I just wished they hadnt.
  Of course I'm not sure about anything. I could be totally wrong about what I think, and I cant stress enough how much I severely hope, that I'm wrong. Maybe he really did have to go, and I just dont understand his reasons deep enough. I miss him, more than I've missed anyone, and I don't know whether I'm better off with or without him. I miss hanging out with him. I miss talking to him and acting dumb with him. I miss seeing him everyday, and I miss hugging him. Too much. He was what I looked forward to everyday.
  Even talking about it, I still cant clarify anything enough. I still wish he would come back to me, and if he really wanted to, maybe he would. But, I'm thinking that he most likely won't. I still have a small hope, as pathetic and unreal it is for me.

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