Thursday, 24 July 2008

• Currently Listening Final Fantasy X: Original Soundtrack By Nobuo Uematsu, Masashi Hamauzu, Junya Nakano see related

  Inspiration.

  I suddenly feel like writing. I dont know about what, but I do.

  I found myself bieng woken up around 4 am, due to the rain pattering on the windows outside and my curtains that kept blowing against my face from the wind. I couldnt go back to sleep anymore. I just layed there, thinking about stuff. It feels so good now that it finally rained. And it keeps on raining. But I like it that way. It brings me a certain calm, comfortable and ancient feeling. It reminds me of winter. We had gone to go buy tacos after drinking some coffee <3, and when we got back I pretty much ended up getting soaked from head to toe this morning, haha. For some reason, it was a sweet feeling.

  Lately Ive been getting that feeling back that I dont want to deal with people so much anymore. I havent answered the phone, and sometimes I dont reply back to text messages. Except for Joe. I feel that I just cant ignore him. People wear me down so much. Or they're starting to, once again. In a way, I dread going back to school, but then I dont. I wont have a full schedule this new year, but I cant decide whether thats better or worse. I keep thinking that maybe its better if people leave me alone. But thats a horrible feeling too. I guess I just hate how I notice that alot of people have so many friends, people that they can hang out with everyday, people that love them in return. They have lives. People actually wonder about them. "How was your day?" "Are you okay?" They actually care. Theyre really lucky. But then I get so frustrated and sad at the same time, its overwhelming, and I dont want to be around those kind of people anymore. I dont want to be near them. And on top off that, theyre so smart, and have everything cut out for them. Maybe not even so much as that, but they know what they want to do in life already. You have your students that are smart, but dont have money to get them where they need to go. And then you have it the other way around, where you have students who have money, but dont have the smarts to get them where ever they need to, which could be worse. I cant stand myself sometimes. I dont have any of that. Some other students around my age already attend some classes at colleges even as they finish up theyre high school courses. I dont know how to even begin to get anywhere near that. I always carry such an inferior feeling with me. These days, I just try to keep myself busy to not pay attention to how I feel about anything anymore. I have the want to go far away, somewhere by myself. But, I cant. Im stuck here. I cant get away from this place, or some of the people. I dont hate it here, and I dont even hate the people. Well, not most of them. Its just that I want to be by myself for a little while, I think. Im not even entirely sure about that yet. Its just that I hate repetition. And Ive had enough of that already. Ive been tired of it for years. Something's missing. And I dont know what it is.

  Joe invited me to go with him to the mall next Friday, but he also invited me to his little twin cousin's birthday party. That makes me nervous. Meeting any part of anyone's family makes me nervous. I dont even know why he bothers with me. Does he even want anything to do with me anymore? He said I was one of his favorite people. But why does he still bother wth me? Why would he still want to bother with me after us? Isnt that the reason why we were over in the first place, cause he didnt want me? He didnt say it, but he just gave one of those infamous lines. The "It's not you, it's me," thing. Sure, it could be that he really does just want to hang out. But with me? He has better company. Part of me wants to tell him just to fuck off. But... I dont know. I dont care.

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