I suddenly feel like writing. I dont know about what, but I do.

I found myself bieng woken up around 4 am, due to the rain pattering on the windows outside and my curtains that kept blowing against my face from the wind. I couldnt go back to sleep anymore. I just layed there, thinking about stuff. It feels so good now that it finally rained. And it keeps on raining. But I like it that way. It brings me a certain calm, comfortable and ancient feeling. It reminds me of winter. We had gone to go buy tacos after drinking some coffee <3, and when we got back I pretty much ended up getting soaked from head to toe this morning, haha. For some reason, it was a sweet feeling.

Lately Ive been getting that feeling back that I dont want to deal with people so much anymore. I havent answered the phone, and sometimes I dont reply back to text messages. Except for Joe. I feel that I just cant ignore him. People wear me down so much. Or they're starting to, once again. In a way, I dread going back to school, but then I dont. I wont have a full schedule this new year, but I cant decide whether thats better or worse. I keep thinking that maybe its better if people leave me alone. But thats a horrible feeling too. I guess I just hate how I notice that alot of people have so many friends, people that they can hang out with everyday, people that love them in return. They have lives. People actually wonder about them. "How was your day?" "Are you okay?" They actually care. Theyre really lucky. But then I get so frustrated and sad at the same time, its overwhelming, and I dont want to be around those kind of people anymore. I dont want to be near them. And on top off that, theyre so smart, and have everything cut out for them. Maybe not even so much as that, but they know what they want to do in life already. You have your students that are smart, but dont have money to get them where they need to go. And then you have it the other way around, where you have students who have money, but dont have the smarts to get them where ever they need to, which could be worse. I cant stand myself sometimes. I dont have any of that. Some other students around my age already attend some classes at colleges even as they finish up theyre high school courses. I dont know how to even begin to get anywhere near that. I always carry such an inferior feeling with me. These days, I just try to keep myself busy to not pay attention to how I feel about anything anymore. I have the want to go far away, somewhere by myself. But, I cant. Im stuck here. I cant get away from this place, or some of the people. I dont hate it here, and I dont even hate the people. Well, not most of them. Its just that I want to be by myself for a little while, I think. Im not even entirely sure about that yet. Its just that I hate repetition. And Ive had enough of that already. Ive been tired of it for years. Something's missing. And I dont know what it is.

Joe invited me to go with him to the mall next Friday, but he also invited me to his little twin cousin's birthday party. That makes me nervous. Meeting any part of anyone's family makes me nervous. I dont even know why he bothers with me. Does he even want anything to do with me anymore? He said I was one of his favorite people. But why does he still bother wth me? Why would he still want to bother with me after us? Isnt that the reason why we were over in the first place, cause he didnt want me? He didnt say it, but he just gave one of those infamous lines. The "It's not you, it's me," thing. Sure, it could be that he really does just want to hang out. But with me? He has better company. Part of me wants to tell him just to fuck off. But... I dont know. I dont care.

This was from a while back. Back in May. I just felt the need to post it. As some sort of reminder.

"He's a heartbreaker," she said. "I don't think he means it intentionally."
I wished he didnt. I wish he never had, whether he meant to or not.
I hate how I've let somone get to me so much, its horrible. How I've let someone get under my skin and bother me this much. I hate how I feel; frequently always so sad, and feeling like if I had just been thrown to the side. I wish I could be everything he ever wanted. But I suppose I'm not, and somehow, I would have to deal with that, no matter how sad it leaves me, or the hideous pain it leaves behind.
I cant describe everything that has gone through my mind, so many things I think I didn't do right, and some things I shouldve done. I wish I hadnt been such a boring person, maybe then I wouldnt have driven him away. Maybe I acted too childish in some ways and I wasnt a more serious person; too carefree. Very much, I'm a serious person, I just never was that way around him. Or maybe what drove him away was what I'm doing now, badmouthing myself. I didn't think I did it so much, but perhaps I did. Maybe he got tired of it. Maybe he didn't want to deal with me anymore. I guess I wouldnt want to deal with me, either. I wish I couldve been better. A more wonderful person. Someone who is able to bring people into her life, and keep them here; to make them want to stay. But I cant, and thats a quality I envy in most people.
He gets me so happy when I see him or get to talk to him. I hate how things are now, I don't get to see him everyday, not like I used to.  I don't even get to talk to him all the time anymore, either. What I hate the most is how he seems like the kind of person that once he's done with you, he's done with you, and thats the end of it. It hurts alot, and I cant stand to think about something like that, no matter how true it might be.
At first, everything was so overwhelming. Everything was just so wrong. I had never experienced a time like it in so long, it hurt so much. Clarice was gone. I wasnt doing well in school. I might have to go to court, for truancy; I just couldnt handle bieng at school - sometimes too many people just felt like too much to handle sometimes, and were uncomfortable. I was sick at the time, had the biggest headaches, and couldnt even breathe. We had TAKS testing that same week. Candy had gone missing, and I missed her alot. With Clarice, the thoughts came that there was a possibility I would never see her again, and we would drift apart. The next day, he was finally gone too, and he was the only thing that made everything okay, that made everything bearable. I cant explain it, and dont want to, how horrible it felt now that he was gone. 
Before he left, I could feel that we were so far away from each other. I knew he was getting tired of me. I felt so... unimportant, and brushed aside. He had better things to do, or things that he wanted to do that were more fun than dealing with me, I felt. For the first days after he was gone, there wasnt an hour that went by that I wouldnt think about him. All the pain I tried to hold back. All the time that I tried to keep from falling apart in public. Seeing him didnt make things better. If anything, I began to shake, and I frequently felt like my heart had jumped up into my throat. I wondered how I had fallen so far from the person I used to be, where I wouldnt let myself get attached to anyone, and it was better that way. I had been happy, even though I had been completely ignorant to how truly sad I really was. I've changed since then, and can't stand bieng alone, without my close friends, most of which are gone now, and the few that remain I hold dear to me. I cant decide which is worse, how I feel now because I've lost something, or then because I didnt have anything at all.
He didnt have to leave. Not for his reasons, not really, is what I think. I guess if he really did feel for me the way he said he did, he would have stayed. But I suppose I didnt captivate him that strongly. I certainly must have not been a priority for him. Just an option. I didn't want to let him go. I truly didnt. But if anything, the last thing I would want was for him to be with me out of pity, which would have hurt more than anything, and at the same time would make him unhappy. If he didnt want to be with me, I had to deal with that, much to my dismay. I don't blame him for anything. Feelings change. Feelings arent always what they used to be, how they used to feel for someone. Its just what happens, and nothing can stop that. I just wished they hadnt.
Of course I'm not sure about anything. I could be totally wrong about what I think, and I cant stress enough how much I severely hope, that I'm wrong. Maybe he really did have to go, and I just dont understand his reasons deep enough. I miss him, more than I've missed anyone, and I don't know whether I'm better off with or without him. I miss hanging out with him. I miss talking to him and acting dumb with him. I miss seeing him everyday, and I miss hugging him. Too much. He was what I looked forward to everyday.
Even talking about it, I still cant clarify anything enough. I still wish he would come back to me, and if he really wanted to, maybe he would. But, I'm thinking that he most likely won't. I still have a small hope, as pathetic and unreal it is for me.

As to the reason for "Proms" in the title, is because I was thinking of the Eclipse Prom that was yesterday, and how much fun --I wonder-- it was. Dammit. I wish I lived at least near Pheonix. I was also going to buy the New Moon: Special Edition on Sunday, but instead chose The Demonata: Bec and Midnighters 3: Blue Noon. I can't wait 'till Eclipse comes out. And the rest after that =]  As much as I love Stephenie Meyer though, I feel she comes in a smooth second after Amelia Atwater-Rhodes x]

As for "Parades" in the title, I suppose Buc Parade went smoothly--even though I didn't watch it--while me, Clarice and Ashley stayed inside the house and went through two bags of Doritos, Hot Dogs, Popcorn and Sodas while watching "Black Christmas" --which we bought-- from Movies On Demand. It was okay. After all this, I crashed out. I had cleaned most of the house earlier that day also, which explained why I didn't want to watch the Parade, because I was tired.

I also finished Rayman Raving Rabbids on the Wii. The ending I don't know if I didn't understand it or if I didn't want to understand it. But, eh. After I played a bit of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles.

So that's what played through on my weekend.

Anyone feel free to comment